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Hamptons Diary — Joy Behar: “How Not to Make Tomato Sauce”
Joy Behar sets out in the Hamptons in search of the perfect summer tomato — and gets more than she bargained for.
It was a beautiful August summer day. I was cruising around searching for the perfect farm stand with the most gorgeous tomatoes. August is the month when tomatoes are at their most desirable, like the perfectly chiseled, Coppertone body after a day at the beach.
San Marzano is in Italy, otherwise I would have driven there to get them. That’s how obsessed I was.
I was on a mission to construct the quintessential Caprese salad for a group of friends. I had grown my own basil, and I grabbed a couple of mozzarella balls at The Red Horse, handmade by the great Luigi (since departed). Bread was a no-brainer. There are a few great stores Out East for bread: Carissa’s, Citarella and Round Swamp, to name just three.
But the tomatoes had to be bellissima. Juicy, succulent and sweet. The wrong tomato could ruin a brilliant Caprese salad and that just wouldn’t do.
The tomato is sometimes referred to as a fruit and sometimes as a vegetable. I don’t understand that. If it’s a fruit, shouldn’t you pair it with other fruits? Grapefruit and tomato salad? Doesn’t work. Even if you stick it in with feta and watermelon, it seems out of place. Too savory for that. Anyway, that’s the tomato’s problem, not mine.
I spot the perfect farm stand in Sagaponack. Tomatoes galore. They even had those ubiquitous flowers that come in various colors. I could put them in the middle of the table to go with the Caprese. Martha Stewart, take a seat.
I pull into the perpendicular spot, all excited and hit the brake. Unfortunately, I forgot to put the car in park and as I jumped out the door, the car kept rolling and whaddya know, it rolled right into the stand holding those big, beautiful tomatoes, which went flying into the air. Many of them were smashed, some were crushed and some just seemed to bounce off the ground.
I managed to get out alive, which is the only good news. The owner was furious. He didn’t care at all that I could have been killed by flying tomatoes. Some people need to get their priorities straight!
I haven’t returned to that particular farm stand, even though this all happened years ago, and I doubt anyone remembers it (until now!). Next time, when I get the urge to make a Caprese salad, maybe I’ll just fly to Italy and get the really good and authentic Marzano tomatoes. It will be much safer — and probably a lot cheaper — than the Hamptons.
Joy Behar’s new play, “Bonkers in the Boroughs” (a series of five short comedic plays) runs at Bay Street Theater in Sag Harbor, September 2-6, 2026. baystreet.org
