Angela in America: Time To Free the Good Humor

We really have a problem in this country. Not only does everyone seem to have lost a sense of humor, we now feel the need to lock it up and throw away the key. Literally.

Think I’m kidding? Walk into any convenience store — as I did recently on a trip to CVS when I had a sudden craving for a Good Humor bar, specifically Strawberry Shortcake, my childhood ice cream of choice.

I’d never purchased ice cream at a CVS before. But there it was — “America’s Favorite Strawberry Shortcake Bar,” in the bright red packaging, at the bottom of the freezer case. Six bars to a box. And like a six-pack of beer, the Good Humor was locked up in a glass case. No good humor there.

Maybe I’m late to the game on the ice-cream-behind-bars scenario, but is this how bad things have gotten — that we have to lock up a $7 box of ice cream? All the ice cream at this Upper East Side CVS was locked up. Does my neighborhood have a collective sweet tooth that drives them to steal?

“Quick, call the cops, that guy in the mask just ran off with all the Fudgsicles!”
“Ma’am, put down the Cherry Garcia and walk toward me with your hands up. Ma’am, you need a napkin. The cherry juice … please, wipe your face and hands before we cuff you.”

This practice of making convenience stores not so convenient — by locking everything up and forcing customers to wait for a product to be freed by a store employee — started years ago. First, it was the laundry detergent behind bars. Because, you know, people who steal like to do so with clean clothes on. Dirty hands, clean underwear. Yes, we get it — detergent is a hot commodity and often too pricey. Better to lock it up like a trophy on a shelf to admire from afar. Or just resign yourself to doing laundry less frequently.

Then it was beer and energy drinks behind lock and key — that I could understand, as the combination could fuel a robbery. But air fresheners behind bars? In Manhattan? A city that’s starting to smell more like Newark with every passing garbage truck? Who is using up all that apple-cinnamon or fresh-ocean-breeze scent? No one I know. Everyone’s too busy inhaling bus fumes to worry about spraying aerosols — and plugging in air fresheners just raises your electric bill.

The bottom line is, prices all around are still too high. Everyone feels it — rich and poor. (OK, maybe not the rich so much, but I’ve never met a rich person who didn’t appreciate a bargain. No one likes to get ripped off.) But punishing the good guys because a bunch of bad guys are stealing seems like a double whammy. If we can’t effectively police the candy aisles at Duane Reade or Walgreens, how do we keep law and order when it comes to major crime?

I’ve read countless articles saying these brick-and-mortar stores are on the way out — that they purposely lock up brand-name items while not locking up store brands to push their own products, that security guards are helpless when it come to people stealing. They expect the steal. They can set their watches by it. And then look the other way.

We see the staff cutbacks in these stores. Those who are there often seem disengaged — and can you blame them? Since when is unlocking a cabinet of Ben & Jerry’s an upwardly mobile career path?

And good luck trying to get someone behind a register to check you out. Scanning your own stuff at a prickly CVS self-checkout machine could drive anyone to run off with some stash. And the reward for a successful scan? A paper receipt long enough to kill a forest and that annoyingly chipper electronic voice recording: “Thank you for shopping at CVS!” Who needs it?

I will say, the CVS employees make an effort to greet you when you enter and acknowledge you on your way out.

“Have you found everything you’re looking for?”

“Uh, in life? Or at CVS?” is always my response. Perhaps the question should be, “Have you found everything you wanted to steal from this store?” Or, “Is there anything else you want to steal that I haven’t yet unlocked for you?”

The truth is, I don’t want CVS or Walgreens or Target to go away. For all their flaws, I like my brick-and-mortar stores — even if they’re endangered because lowlifes are throwing bricks through their windows and getting away with the grab-and-go.

I’ve decided that the person running for mayor of New York City who can effectively solve these problems will get my vote.

Time to step it up. Put criminals behind bars — not Good Humor ice cream.

Angela LaGreca

Editor, Co-Founder/Publisher

Angela LaGreca, Editor-in-chief and co-Founder/Publisher of Spark Hamptons, is a four-time Emmy Award-winning journalist, producer, writer and comedian/host. Her TV credits include NBC’s “Today,” ABC’s “The View,” and, most recently, the primetime cable news program “Cuomo” on NewsNation. On the East End, she was the Creative Director at LTV, VP Features/Events/Photo Editor at Dan’s Papers, and has performed at Guild Hall, Bay Street Theater and the WHBPAC. Her publishing career began at Modern Photography, where she was managing editor. LaGreca lives in Manhattan and East Hampton and can be reached at angelatvmedia@gmail.com and angela@sparkhamptons.com .